Going Backwards

We've all had a break-up (or more then one), usually when we are the dumpee, when we hope we can get back together with our ex. Sometimes you do have your ex crawling back to you, and begging you to take them back.

As I have stated before, I am very against the break-up/make-up type of relationship. I have seen if work only a handful of times, and most of those circumstances involved long distance relationships. Those type of relationships come off as very unhealthy and stressful, and they are!

Usually when your ex comes back asking for another chance, you tend to think about all the good times you have had, all the memories you have, and how well you know each other. Part of the "getting back together" is based on those things, especially the comfortable aspect of things. You know each other pretty well. You know each others likes and dislikes, vices and your virtues, annoying habits and the cute little things. I like to call those "sweatpants relationships." Sweatpants relationships are like those old favorite comfortable sweatpants that you have. They are the rattiest, old, faded sweatpants you own, and would probably not even want your best friend to see you in. Even if you swear you will never wear those sweatpants again, you can't seem to throw them out. A sweatpants relationship is similar to those sweatpants. You're so comfortable in that relationship, that no matter how many times you break up, you end up getting back together, you can't throw that relationship away.

It is healthier for you to finally end this type of relationship. To find someone you are truly happy with, instead of someone you are always fighting with, and breaking up with.

Aren't you tired of breaking up, and then hearing promise after promise only to know they will turn into broken promises. You're hearing excuse after excuse and it's the same one over and over again. It's probably not going to change. It's a cycle you have to break.

Your significant other should not be looking around picking out the worse person and saying well, at least I don't act like that. Or at least I don't treat you like that. They should be seeing the best person out there and trying to top them. Not saying they should buy you extravagant gifts and take you fancy places, but just to treat you right, and respect you. Consider and think of you, take your feelings into account.

50 First Dates

One of my friends has stated on multiple occasions that to get over your ex, you need one week for every month you were with you ex. For example, if you were with your ex a year, that's 12 months. If you gave yourself a week for every month, it would be 12 weeks, which is three months, to be over your ex. While everyone heals at their own rate, and only you know when and how long it would take you to heal, it is a good basis to start from.

But once you feel that you are ready for the market, let your friends know you are ready to start dating. In college, it is much easier to meet people, they are kind of built in. After college, your social circles get smaller, and it does get harder to meet people. You can do on line dating, but that's for a whole different entry.

Where ever you might have met the person, now you're going on a first date.

Growing up, a lot of people I knew went on first dates to either a restaurant or coffee shop to sit and talk.While it's not as bad as a first date to the movies, it still not the best option. If you're going on a first date, you want to be able to talk to the person and get to know them. Obviously, going to the movies don't allow this. Going to a restaurant, doesn't exactly help break the ice. First dates are awkward enough already, you shouldn't make it more awkward by working out how to balance eating trying to maintain a conversation with your date. I would recommend something active like mini golf, bowling, or going to batting cages. Think the ESPN Zone, Dave and Busters or Chelsea Piers, or something similar in your area.

Before you go on your date, think of some basic questions you want to know about the person. You don't have to get TOO personal, but personal enough that you feel like you're getting to know a little about them. Don't ask questions to be polite (Do you REALLY want to hear all about their stamp collection?), but ask about things you do want to know about. Who is their favorite music artist? Or favorite author? Don't be afraid to ask questions! If you feel that the date is going well, then maybe ask if your date would like to continue over dinner (or lunch).

I've heard different theories and reasons about kissing on the first date. While it's really up to you, and what you feel comfortable with, I personally think you should wait until at least the second or third date, and lean more towards the third. For guys, it tells the girl that you are seriously interested in her, and not only interested in getting her into bed. For girls, holding out can help keep the guy interested. It might seem like you're taking things slowly, but taking things slow can help you get to know the person better. You're more focused on the other person's personally, rather then then getting to know them physically.

As far as sleeping with your date, I would wait until you've dating or seeing exclusively for at least a month. As with kissing, holding off sleeping together shows you mean business, and that you're serious. While it IS very hard and frustrating to hold out on sex (of ANY kind!) for a month, at the end it's totally worth it, and can make it that much better, because you've been waiting. We've all done the quick-fix hook up, but those usually never turn into something more serious. This can also help you to avoid the situation of going on a date, you sleep with your date, and never hear from them again. Or sleeping with your date, only to realize you don't want to go on a second date, and all the awkwardness that can follow.

Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Go out and meet people! Don't be afraid to make the first move!

Rebounds

We've all done the "rebound" hook up after a break up, but I personally think the rebound hook up right after a break up is a recipe for disaster.

Right after a break up, especially a bad one it can sometimes feel like it's a contest to see which half of the now broken up couple hooks up with a different person first. Besides this "contest" being childish and immature, it can often lead to hurt feelings and regret. Often after the break up, the parties go out and get drunk, and end up hooking up with some random person at the bar. The next day, in addition to be pretty hung over, you will probably regret that random hook up. For whatever reason, either you feel guilty, you feel like you might have lost the chance to get back with your ex, or even if you don't regret the hook up at all, it's still not the healthiest route for the road to healing.

There's also the fact that it's not entirely fair to the person you hooked up with. They might think they have a chance with you, and it can be very misleading. You are not ready to be starting a new relationship. If the person you hooked up with knows that you just got out relationship, and hooked up with you anyway, and especially if they hooked up with you because you just got out of a relationship, they probably don't respect you.

I personally think that you should wait at least three months before the "rebound" hook up. That way you're in a clear state of mind, and there's a better chance you won't regret it. You also have a better chance of not falling into the "rebound relationship" or being a cereal dater, just jumping from one relationship to another. You're giving yourself some time to heal from the old one, and get ready for the new one.

A rebound relationship is also not fair to your partner. You're probably not over your ex, and not only will your partner end up realizes that, which will probably do damage to you new relationship, but your new partner will also end up very hurt. You can never really, truly be there for you new partner, if you're not over your ex. Even if that person is who you are meant to be with, if one of you is not ready for it, you could lose out on it, if you move too soon. Especially when mentally, you're not in the place to be in a brand new relationship.

You need some time to yourself. Single time is good. It helps you rediscover yourself, and learn things about yourself. You realize how you've grown in your last relationship, and where else needs works. Sometimes this is very hard to figure out, with the distraction of a partner. Taking that time for yourself, those months, are healing.

Real friends vs. Fake friends

A break up is not only hard to you and your now ex partner, but it's also hard on mutual friends. Who do they stay friends with? The person they've known longer, or the person they are closer to. Do they stay friends with the dumper or the dumpee. Who was the right one in the relationship?

Usually, the friends feel like they are forced to choose sides - and often enough, one of you, or both tells the friend or friends, "It's me or them, you can't be friends with both." Even if this doesn't occur, a lot of friends tend to lean to one person more then the other and while you might occasionally see that person in social situations, you're more of acquaintances then friends now.

While during the break up, you should surround yourself with good, loving, caring friends, and most imporantly loyal friends, don't force your friends to choose sides. Don't bad mouth your ex to mutual friends either. Bad mouthing your ex to mutual friends only makes you look immature, and might push them away. Making friends choose also pushes them away. Eventually, they will drift more to one side then the other, but don't have hurt feelings over it.

There will be fair weather friends. Those are the friends you should watch out for. While to them it might come off as loyalty to their friend, your ex, it comes off and down right disgusting and despicable. I have a friend who was in a three year relationship. Her (ex) boyfriend's friends, a couple, for three years treated my friend like she was one of their best friends. The second my friend and her boyfriend broke up (and it was an amicable break up), they shunned her as if she had done unspeakable things to their family. This isn't high school any more, if someone plays the game of BBFs on Monday and Enemies Forever for Thursday, don't waste your time with it. Don't even think about it. Better you should find out now, then when it's something more important. Would you rather find out after you had them in your wedding party?

Your true friends will stick by you, and that's all that matters.

Your real friends will be the ones, who despite you saying you want to stay at home and mope, are forcing you to get dressed and come out. That same ones who will listen to you bitch and moan over the break up for the next couple of months. They are the ones who will be there when you need them most. They will call you to check up on you.

Some of your friends might "go to the other side," then a couple of months later, sheepishly give you a call. they might apologize, because "it was weird," let them come back. But the ones who wrote you off completely, those, you can forget. Those type of friends, you don't need.

To hate, or not to hate, that is the question...

After a breakup, I've known plenty of people to wish that, their exes parents didn't "screw them up so badly." Regardless or whether or not his parents fucked him up, it’s up to him. I know some people from “perfect” families, who are screwed up beyond belief, and I know people who are from ridiculously screwed up familes, who turned out pretty awesome despite everything that they have been through. It’s all a matter of what you take and do with the experiences you go through. Some people learn and grow from things in their life, and experiences, some people choose to play the blame game and/or the why me. Whether your ex plays the blame game, or goes why me? It doesn't matter, you have to learn had to take responsibility for your actions, and your ex is not doing that. You're aiding that by blaming your exes parents or friends.

I've had friends make excuses for their new exes. Even though everyone else knows how badly their exes treated them, they still continue to defend them. Time to take off the rose colored glasses.

I've also had friends really be mad at the way their exes treated them (and then dumped them), and then be embarrassed for their emotions.

It's actually better and healthier for you to have that hate and rage for your ex. You should not be embarrassed about it. Your ex never called you? Don't make the excuse "He's not a phone person." Feel free to be mad about it. Your ex never got off the couch and did anything, it's really okay to be mad about it!

You need to let that anger out, to be able to heal. Let the anger wash through you, so that it can leave you. Funny as it sounds, sometimes you DO need to let it out, all those negative emotions, to finally be able to move forward and move on.

One friend of mine suggested writing a letter to your ex with all the things you ever wanted to say to your ex, but never said (because you didn't want to have a fight, didn't want them to be offended, etc.). Don't send the letter, but write the letter as if you were. I would suggest hand written or document on wordperfect, instead of an actual e-mail, as you don't want to accidentally hit send. This might help get some of the anger out, and let those feelings go. It might help you feel like you tied up loose ends, without the actual confrontation.

Just deal with it?

I've often heard people say about their exes (or even their current significant others), "They just need to grow up." While you probably know your ex significant other fairly well, and it's quite possible you are entirely right, you (or anyone else) telling them, "You need to grow up," is not going to make them grow up. It's not going to change the fact that they are immature, and it's not going to help them get their lives together. If anything, it only pissed them off that you claimed they are immature, especially if they know you're right. If they know you're right, it will probably just make them more mad at you for pointing out their insecurities.

As for the growing up... if only it were that easy. Some boys (or girls) never grow up into men (or women). They kind of just reach a point, and that's it, they just kind of reach a plateau. But you shouldn't have to lower your standards or have to ask for less. And most defiantly not sit around and wait for them. While you might know what you want out of a relationship, now is the time to figure out exactly what you DON'T want. Make a list of the all the things you DON'T want in your next relationship. Things that are major no-nos, and (this time around), you are NOT willing to compromise. For example, your ex hated dogs and you loved dogs? Your list should include, "Must like dogs."

Distract yourself as much as possible from the pain - now is the time to work on yourself and your personal growth, figure out the things that make you happy and do them as much as possible. Usually, during the day, you have enough to distract you from the pain. Whether it be work, the gym, or friends. At night is usually the worst - especially if you were living with your ex, and are now on your own. Part of it due to the fact that you have a lot of thoughts going through your head. Part of it due to the uncomfortableness and awkwardness of sleeping by yourself. While some people rely on sleeping pills, I have heard from friends of mine, that while sleeping pills work really well most of the time, after a break up, they are pretty useless. Not to mention, you still feel exhausted when you wake up. Part of that exhaustion IS emotional. The emotions are draining on you. Stock up on Sleepytime tea and Lavender oil, or something similar to help you sleep. The tea won't give you the hungover effect the pills would.

Think of it like a giant jigsaw puzzle. Sometimes you fit a piece that kind of fits, for the most part. But eventually no matter how much you try, it just doesn't fit. There IS a piece that fits, you just haven't found it yet.

Help with healing

Now that you've broken up, it's time to start the healing process.

If you can, try and cut off contact with your newly ex significant other. While you might want to be friends with them (or they have asked to be friends with you), now is not the time for that. You both need to heal, and get over feelings you might have, whether they be positive or negative. Maybe in a couple of months, you might be able to forge a friendship - and they could end up being one of your closest friends, seeing as they know you very well - but now is not the time. You need your space, they need theirs.

- If for any reason you need to contact your ex (you accidentally left your sweater, a book, etc. that you want back or figuring bills if you lived together), e-mail them. Keep the e-mails polite and neutral but short and to the point.

- Don't ask how how your ex is doing - if your ex isn't doing so well, you'll want to run to them and comfort them. If your ex doing good, it'll make you feel horrible, and reopen wounds that may have begun to heal.

- If possible ask a friend of yours to pick up stuff that you might have left. Asking a mutual friend can be putting that person in the middle... it's a hard position to be in. Asking a friend of yours, or more your friend, the friends will not feel so torn. They will be loyal to you. As much as it will kill you, do not ask about your ex.

- A friend of mine told me you need about a week for each month you were together to be fully over that person. It seems like a lot of time right now, and only you will know if you are healed, it might be before, it might be after, go at your own pace. But it's a good frame of reference for now, a good base.

Facebook (and other social networking websites)
In this day in age, everyone and their mother has Facebook. Most of my friends are in the habit of deleting their exs from their facebook. For a long time I didn't understand the meaning and purpose of this and kind of thought it was stupid. I later realized the reason my friends did this to prevent them from looking and keeping tabs on theirs exs. While I still maintain it's not absolutely necessary to delete them, it does take a lot of will power to refrain from looking at your exes page. If you think you can refrain from looking, then there's no reason to delete your ex. If you feel you might be tempted, then you should delete them. Checking up on your exes facebook, is the same as asking your mutual how your ex is doing, but in some ways worse. While your friends might give a quick one word answer, facebook book will be more brutal, and you don't need that while the hurt is still fresh.

As for the "relationship status" change, well, that's up to you. Some friends I know immediately change their status the second they break up. Other people I know kept theirs up, mostly because they weren't ready to "tell the world" about their break up. My boyfriend and I both share the opinion that our relationship is our business. Our friends know we are together. If something happens in our relationship, that's between us, and our friends will probably find out when we are ready, and it will not be proclaimed to the world on the web. However, I realized most people do not share our views these days. Unless you WANT people to know you and your ex have broken up, there are features to hide your status. I would suggest hiding your status until you are ready to have it "known to the world" what your status is, and will be prepared to answer the 50 posts on your wall, asking what's up.


Just like everyone’s cuts and bruises heal differently because of the way our bodies are different, everyone’s heart also deals and heals differently. Just take it day by day. Don’t let anyone tell you to move slower or quicker then you feel is right for you. Only YOU know what’s right for you. Only you will know when you've healed. Do let your friends push you to go out and have fun. Do let them push you to move forward. But Don't let them push you to "get over it" before you're ready. Just pace yourself.